Children have the right to know about any major changes occurring in the family, especially changes that could affect them.  Although separation and divorce are becoming more common, they are not a “normal” situation for anyone, especially children.  If you and your spouse decide to separate and divorce, it is important to explain the situation openly with your child.  This type of conversation should not occur until final decisions are made to avoid confusing the child.  If possible, both parents should be a part of the conversation.  Consider your child’s maturity level when explaining the situation.  The timing of the discussion may be affected by the child’s ability to reference time.  A younger child will become confused if told too far in advance, while a teenager will be able to understand and have additional time to process the situation if told in advance.

As you tell your child, reassure the youngster that even though Mommy and Daddy have decided that they cannot live together anymore (whether it is temporary or permanent), you both love him and that it is not his fault.  If your child tries to blame himself for the separation, do not demand that he stop blaming it on himself.  Instead, say things such as “I know you are upset, but there is nothing you could have done” or “I know that you did your best to keep us together.”  Allow your child to voice his feelings, whether it is sadness, anger or confusion.  Some parents will try to convince the child that he should not be sad.  This is not a recommended approach as it is often used simply to ease the parent’s guilt of the changes happening in the family.   

As the child processes the changes, expect many questions during or after the initial conversation.  Although you should have a line of open communication, do not pressure your child to discuss the situation.  The child may be analyzing the situation and may not be ready to share what he is thinking.  Be available for your child when he does have questions or wants to voice his feelings and opinions.

Source:
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2011)